Have I Been MIA...?

Ofcourse I have.

Just got back from a wonderful two weeks on a sunny Caribbean island with C.

Ah I think we should fight more often. Such wonderful fun times.

Okay let me back up a little.

So we had our great big fight that I told you about. This man did not call me for a week after that. I think I lost five pounds that week. I was literally lying in bed staring at my phone everyday. Pathetic I know.

But then monday came around and my doorbell rang. At first I figured it was one of the friends I had been ignoring all week so I didn't move. Then my phone rang and it was him! Oh joys of joys. I was tempted to not answer but ... the flesh is weak.

Hello

Why don't you answer your door?

Huh?

Why don't you answer your door? I've been ringing your bell for ten minutes!

You should have seen me fly down the stairs. I didn't even know I could move that fast. Though I was now a very unhealthy 123 pounds so I guess it wasn't that big a deal.

Opened the door and there he was. Looking all sexily beautiful. Suitcase, two shoe boxes in hand and oh my days! a bag of bounty!

(FYI- I will sell my soul to Hitler for Bounty. And he remembered!)

I wanted to be mad, I really really did but how can I be mad at someone who bought me bounty?

He apologised, said he was sorry, blah-de-blah-de-blah... To make it up to me... he would take me to.. ANTIGUA!!!

Ofcourse our flight was in like four hours so there was no chance for any proper making up. HE didn't even let me pack anything. Just picked up my make up bag, passport and wallet and we were off. Good thing I'm a world traveller and have every possible visa. I was also in Antigua last year and told him how much I loved it.

If you've never been you should go. Its so beautiful and peaceful.

We stayed in a mock hut, he bought me clothes and bikinis and shoes and the most beautiful jewelry (which I plan to pawn as soon as he misbehaves again)

Ooh and the two shoes boxes he brought with him to my house?

My Omelle Gladiators that I have been craving forever and a pair of classic black Christian Louboutin Pumps!!!!!!!!

My very first pair of Louboutins!!!

If he wasn't already married I would marry him.

Anyways, we got back yesterday and I am sooo brown. Also have the worse tan lines because he refused to let me lie around topless.

Gotta go, sorry this post is all over the place but he's still here.

He's leaving tomorrow and I'm sad. But I just had the most perfect two weeks ever.

I love this man. I really really do.

I also can't walk properly.

The dude is old though! This much stamina in a forty year old cannot be normal.

Ah wells.

Bye happy peoples!

I forbid you

He still hasn't called

After our first big fight.

C and I.

He still hasn't called. Five days and no word from him.

It was horrible

I was driving when we started fighting.

I had to pull over.

I was crying way too much to be on the road

I couldn't believe how unreasonable he could be.

All because of Caribana

"Hey baby"

"Hey C! Missed you, missed you, missed you,missed youuuuu!"

Something about hearing his voice makes me act like a five year old.

"Miss you too dear. What are you doing?"

"Driving up to toronto for Caribana weekend."

"What's Caribana?"

"Some big west indian festival. Just another excuse to have a parade and go clubbing and get stupid drunk."

"Ah so you're going to get your freak on."

"Ha ha! Exactly! lots of American boys in town too"

"Hmmm... American boys huh? Thought you didn't like Americans?"

"I don't but it's a change from Canadian boys."

"So you plan to meet a boy this weekend?"

I should have noticed that he was way to fixated on the "boys" but I didn't.

"Yupp! Maybe one for every night of the weekend even."

"Ari...?"

"Yes baby?"

"I FORBID YOU FROM BEING WITH ANY BOYS THIS WEEKEND!"

He FORBADE ME

"Excuse me? I'm sorry, have you forgotten that you are married? I'm not even your girlfriend! You have no right to forbid me anything. I will do what I damn well please with my weekend and any boys that happen to come along my way!"

I think I shocked him with that. I'm normally super nice and uber sweet but I couldn't believe what I was hearing.

He was not liking it. We went back and forth.

Mad and crying I told him:

"Am I going to be your other woman forever? I have to meet someone. I can't put my life on hold for you. You're not leaving your wife ever. You're not marrying me. I'm supposed to wait till you get tired of me and find somebody who younger and cuter? I have a right to be happy too!"

And then he said this

"You are my girl and as long as you are my girl there will be no other men in your life. Go ahead and have fun with your girls this weekend but if you're involved with any men I will know it and we will be done!"

I couldn't believe what I was hearing.

"SCREW YOU!" I flung the phone into the back seat and parked. I had heard more than enough.

Sad as it is to say, I didn't meet any men that weekend. I didn't even go out. I stayed at a friends in my pajamas. Upset and weepy for the entire weekend.

I hate that he can affect me like this and I hate that every time my phone rings I get mad when its not him.

And I can't believe he still hasn't called

I never gave Keon my number.

It was one of those nights that seem like a fluke.

Almost like I imagined it even. Ah wells.

I had been ready for a change that night.

Wanting to let go and start a new situation.

Figures I would end up with a guy who couldn't give me that.

I guess I'm meant to be where I am.

There's something you should know about me...

...I'm technically a mistress.

Though I shouldn't say a mistress really.

He doesn't give me money or gifts or make me comfortable or spend the night. We're yet to have sex in an actual bed even.

We meet. We talk. We fuck. We leave.

He's seventeen years older than I am. Married with three kids.

He's everything I want in a man. Older, accomplished, smart, funny. He takes charge. He's man's man kinda man. He would be so perfect. If he wasn't so flawed.

I tell him all the time that he has ruined men for me.

It's funny, there I am. Writhing with passion underneath a man that I know I shouldn't even be speaking to alone much less sleeping with. There I am. Possibly destroying a woman's family and three little kids lives and not caring.

I know I'm wrong. Dead wrong. But I can't help it. I love him. Just a little bit. But I do.

Almost as much as I love him, I hate him.

I hate him because the moment he kissed me, he shattered my dream world.

I never meant to become his mistress. I envied his marriage.

He seemed like such a perfect man. Lovey- dovey with his wife, played with his kids.

I would watch them, envious, wondering when I would have a perfect family like theirs.

I started talking to him. Not to seduce him.

Just wanted to be able to say I know someone who's good and kind and decent. Perhaps give me a little more hope in men.

He shattered that hope, reminded me that men at the end of the day are just men.

No matter how different they look, down at the core, they are all the same.

But I had already fallen in love with the perfect man, and I guess I wanted a part of him.

Keon

I think it may have been the kiss that woke me
Right in the small of my back.
First guy who hadn't needed to be directed to that spot.

I stretched, not opening my eyes.
Blindly taking stock...
Hmm laying on my stomach
Heels on
Nothing else.
I wiggled my feet
No broken straps.
Good. I love my Omelle Artist heels. Starved for weeks to buy them.

"Ari?"

"Hmmm?"

"I brought you breakfast."

Breakfast?
BREAKFAST?
Shit!!!

"Uhm.. I'm sorry. I gotta go. It's late. I should go home."

"Actually its early. its 9 am."

"Yea I know. Thats not what I mean. I just have to go!" Fumbling with my dress, I grabbed my purse and ran out the door. I could hear him follow, offering me a ride, asking if I was okay.

Luckily he lives right downtown. Saw a cab as soon as I walked out the door and jumped in.

As I relaxed into the backseat I let the events of last night replay.

I remembered the bar.
The tall, dark chocolate man standing at the end of it.
The cranberry vodkas... all I ever drink.
I remembered him walking over

"If I keep buying you drinks you'll be too drunk to dance with me."

"I never get drunk and I don't plan to dance with you."

"Good! You look like you have two left feet anyway. We'll go talk quietly outside."

He made me laugh so I went. I was glad I did. He made me laugh more. It was 12:30 am

We talked about absolutely nothing till 3:30 am until he leaned in close.

I thought he would kiss me but he just smiled and said, "Come home with me."

It didn't occur to me to refuse.

We rode over to his house in silence. I should have been nervous or scared but he made me feel hypnotized. His smell, his confidence, something about him.

He had one of those lofts. Wide open space with white walls no rooms, just see through dividers of different colors. Plexiglass perhaps.
It was so mordern and so beautiful.

"I won't have sex with you."

I stopped looking around, unsure of what I was hearing.

And he didn't.

He took off my clothes, I took of his clothes.

He oiled and massaged ever inch of me, I did the same for him.

Oh he wanted me, I could see the tension in every inch of him.

"I think we should sleep now."

"First time a guy is telling me that before the happy ending."

"If I have sex with you now, I'll get one happy ending. I want more than that."

I sighed and smiled. Whatever his game, I could play along. I lay down and he cuddled me spoonstyle.

"I'm Keon by the way."

"Ari. Goodnight"

Walk with me

I guess we all have a little conflict within ourselves.

The constant battle between good, evil and indifference.

I'm no different from you.

But I am not the same.

I am a woman.

I use what I have to get what I want.

I use what I have to help others.

Sometimes... I don't use anything at all. I just do nothing.

There is Wrong, Right and everything In-Between inside of me.

Welcome