Wednesday, July 29, 2009

I never gave Keon my number.
It was one of those nights that seem like a fluke.
Almost like I imagined it even. Ah wells.
I had been ready for a change that night.
Wanting to let go and start a new situation.
Figures I would end up with a guy who couldn't give me that.
I guess I'm meant to be where I am.

There's something you should know about me...

...I'm technically a mistress.

Though I shouldn't say a mistress really.

He doesn't give me money or gifts or make me comfortable or spend the night. We're yet to have sex in an actual bed even.

We meet. We talk. We fuck. We leave.

He's seventeen years older than I am. Married with three kids.

He's everything I want in a man. Older, accomplished, smart, funny. He takes charge. He's man's man kinda man. He would be so perfect. If he wasn't so flawed.

I tell him all the time that he has ruined men for me.

It's funny, there I am. Writhing with passion underneath a man that I know I shouldn't even be speaking to alone much less sleeping with. There I am. Possibly destroying a woman's family and three little kids lives and not caring.

I know I'm wrong. Dead wrong. But I can't help it. I love him. Just a little bit. But I do.

Almost as much as I love him, I hate him.

I hate him because the moment he kissed me, he shattered my dream world.

I never meant to become his mistress. I envied his marriage.

He seemed like such a perfect man. Lovey- dovey with his wife, played with his kids.
I would watch them, envious, wondering when I would have a perfect family like theirs.
I started talking to him. Not to seduce him.
Just wanted to be able to say I know someone who's good and kind and decent. Perhaps give me a little more hope in men.

He shattered that hope, reminded me that men at the end of the day are just men.

No matter how different they look, down at the core, they are all the same.

But I had already fallen in love with the perfect man, and I guess I wanted a part of him.

Tuesday, July 21, 2009


I think it may have been the kiss that woke me
Right in the small of my back.
First guy who hadn't needed to be directed to that spot.

I stretched, not opening my eyes.
Blindly taking stock...
Hmm laying on my stomach
Heels on
Nothing else.
I wiggled my feet
No broken straps.
Good. I love my Omelle Artist heels. Starved for weeks to buy them.



"I brought you breakfast."


"Uhm.. I'm sorry. I gotta go. It's late. I should go home."

"Actually its early. its 9 am."

"Yea I know. Thats not what I mean. I just have to go!" Fumbling with my dress, I grabbed my purse and ran out the door. I could hear him follow, offering me a ride, asking if I was okay.

Luckily he lives right downtown. Saw a cab as soon as I walked out the door and jumped in.

As I relaxed into the backseat I let the events of last night replay.

I remembered the bar.
The tall, dark chocolate man standing at the end of it.
The cranberry vodkas... all I ever drink.
I remembered him walking over

"If I keep buying you drinks you'll be too drunk to dance with me."

"I never get drunk and I don't plan to dance with you."

"Good! You look like you have two left feet anyway. We'll go talk quietly outside."

He made me laugh so I went. I was glad I did. He made me laugh more. It was 12:30 am

We talked about absolutely nothing till 3:30 am until he leaned in close.

I thought he would kiss me but he just smiled and said, "Come home with me."

It didn't occur to me to refuse.

We rode over to his house in silence. I should have been nervous or scared but he made me feel hypnotized. His smell, his confidence, something about him.

He had one of those lofts. Wide open space with white walls no rooms, just see through dividers of different colors. Plexiglass perhaps.
It was so mordern and so beautiful.

"I won't have sex with you."

I stopped looking around, unsure of what I was hearing.

And he didn't.

He took off my clothes, I took of his clothes.

He oiled and massaged ever inch of me, I did the same for him.

Oh he wanted me, I could see the tension in every inch of him.

"I think we should sleep now."

"First time a guy is telling me that before the happy ending."

"If I have sex with you now, I'll get one happy ending. I want more than that."

I sighed and smiled. Whatever his game, I could play along. I lay down and he cuddled me spoonstyle.

"I'm Keon by the way."

"Ari. Goodnight"

Walk with me

I guess we all have a little conflict within ourselves.

The constant battle between good, evil and indifference.

I'm no different from you.

But I am not the same.

I am a woman.

I use what I have to get what I want.

I use what I have to help others.

Sometimes... I don't use anything at all. I just do nothing.

There is Wrong, Right and everything In-Between inside of me.